Lately I think my spirituality has been stagnant.. Well actually I've been struggling myself. Perhaps I have these questions in mind that are too complicated, and I think my struggle is a struggle that is quite uncommon. Maybe I really need some Christian friends who perhaps have experienced the same struggle, or can understand my complicated struggle and willing to share his/her views.

First of all, I noticed that people do show biasness. Christian friends included.. Or is it that i'm just being skeptical? I dunno.. Over many things i've been quite skeptical because I noticed inconsistencies amongst many. It seems that many people just draw the lines arbitrarily. For example, for the Indonesian election case, they said that we should be responsible as Christians to take part in elections and understand politics. There are events going on, seminars perhaps that gives insights about the politics in Indonesia. No, i'm not skeptical about those events. But I'm skeptical over those people who think as if those who didn't participate in such events are guilty and not being responsible. I'm also skeptical over those people who think that those who refuse to choose are not being responsible. Why do I say so? Because they're inconsistent! When some people tend to think that those who refuse to choose are not being responsible, then do they with the same force rebuke those who choose but are irresponsible about their choices (don't research well about politics). When some people tend to think that those who refuse to participate in seminars that gives insight about politics, they could be biased too in a way that they didn't rebuke those who (so far) didn't follow politics, and only now that they started to learn. Well there is a starting point of everything they might say, but after attending the seminar, what is important is not to draw the line that 'because i attended the seminar and make my choices based on what I think is wise, according to the facts presented on the seminar , therefore i've been responsible'. Well..what about someone who didn't attend the seminar but follows other's choices? Perhaps that other person is known to be a responsible and wise Christian. Hm.. well..but the process of struggling is more important than the result, well it can be argued that way. And thus this reduces to the point that 'we Christians should struggle about politics of our own country.' One can say that 'but we are not called to do everything!'. Hm, but it is the privilege of a citizen to choose.. You see, this can be a very complicated issues with many lines being drawn here and there. So the point reduces to, 'If we have the privilege, and we don't do something about it, we're wrong'. Of course this will be very broad. We have a lot of privileges.. and how do we prioritize which privilege should come first. With the internet, we have access to the world! We have so much privilege to communicate with a lot of people. Do we use this privilege to bring glory to God? Hm..knowing that our vote counts as a single vote, is it wrong to see by the number (that our vote won't change anything?) Why don't we exercise our other privileges that seems to be more impactful?

My thoughts often goes these ways. There are many things that I'm skeptical about. I'm skeptical to those who always reminds us to attend an 'excellent' seminars. Certainly, they're attending those events to learn. Well, there are many excellent resources available on the net. If you're willing to learn, have you shown it by showing some passion to learn those excellent and free resources on the net? All in all, it is about personal integrity as a whole. Well, it is understandable that people are limited beings. We are always incapable to be 100% consistent and integrated. As for me, this tendency to look on other peoples inconsistencies often lead to withdrawals. It is an uncommon thing to be a person's struggle. Often, my struggle too is, sometimes I think a lot that I'm able to see the 'top view' of things, that makes me tend to ignore or don't put weight to certain claims that I think is just incomplete. A simple example is that I am not very bothered anymore about people saying 'what is your motivation in...' when I already have a concept in my mind that motivations sometimes are not single and can contain other motivations. I view them as a pie chart perhaps, and the proportions are not fixed from time to time. Well, it is good that we can introspect ourselves to know our motivations, but still, there are 'hidden assumptions' that there is only a single motivation and that we can know that single motivation by reflection. The thing is, if you're able to see things from the 'top view', identify unseen factors, you will be able to see things differently and ignore incomplete statements that don't consider those unseen factors. In other words, you already have a mindset, a model that you hold superior and is a super set of what is being claimed of another person. For example in a debate, two person can hold two extreme views A and B. I already had this concept that many people are debating in a useless manner, accusing the other being more towards the other extreme. The situation is however, it is often that both parties couldn't really answer when asked 'if A and B are extremes, what should be the middleway between A and B?'. Most often people think that they're in the middle. But how do they prove it? There are many debates or arguments that can be reduced to this kind of model, esp often in a relationships.

Well perhaps all these complaints are not relevant at all. Perhaps im also biased in my thinking. Perhaps these are all defense mechanisms. But well, this is my deepest struggle now..

Its been weeks ago, but for the sake of completeness, here it is. I'm so busy working that I don't even have time for rejoicing. So...Rejoice ^_^ I'm so thankful that i'm graduating on 10th July 2009 9pm. =).. And it's midnight and tomorrow I had to go to work again.. =/ busy busy..

Three weeks had passed working. It was fun. The job suits me as what I need to do most of the time is to sit in front of the computer and think, and typing some source codes. Colleagues were nice although I'm the only Indonesian in the company. And yeah! next week we had a session of paint ball on Saturday meant for team building! =)

Recent musings.. I like to muse about human beings lately. It's been quite long that I mused about dead principles and theories, etc. Now i'm more into human beings. How difficult it is to deal with human beings, and how difficult it is to judge them I must say. A principle that always stick in my head is that we never know the other human beings motivations. They are invisible! We only know their visible manifestations. How difficult it is to judge another human being as it requires us to be very certain, (which won't reach a 100% certainty), that he/she has the wrong motivation. Another obstacle is with ourselves. It is also very difficult if we are to judge him/her, having our conscience clear and knowing that we are purely rebuking / judging him/her fairly and not out of bias.

Next, there is another major obstacle, that is, human beings are not perfectly consistent! Even the careful ones might not be consistent. Thus, how can we judge others of bad things, lets take an example, of hypocrisy. We don't know other people's inner struggles when they don't do what they preach. How do we judge? Of course we might say 'well we see their performance in the long run'. And there it is.. the line is drawn arbitrarily, till we feel that it is right to judge, till we cross our own tolerance..

And yes.. human inconsistencies can produce a lot of problems. Thus, judging oneself of not being caring/loving is also difficult. For with inconsistency/weakness, love is not just a matter of do and don'ts. It is also a matter of can / can'ts. Again, how do we make decisions?

Hm.. yea perhaps I'm a principle freak, I want to find what underlies beneath people's thought and see the structures. And that's why i'm also excited about my job. In some sense it can trigger some thoughts.. about what makes a good software / system. Software design has some connection with formal logic I believe, which contains so much mysteries, and I still think its a good point to work on which hopefully can reveal the answer to some mysteries..

The happenings in my life have been quite fast, faster than my ability to reflect and write it up on the blog constantly. To be short, exams finished, FYP's finished, went back from camp, and here I am wandering for job. I had an interview one day after the camp was over. Days passed..one week later I had to attending FES lecture for one night and then I got a call that my job application has been accepted. Went for contract signing on my birthday. *Gasp*. And what's more, I will have to start working next wednesday! And I'm rushing to take care of this employment pass and tomorrow I still have a service at the church. Yea! Many ask me why wont I take a break first. Hm..I think life is quite short and I gotta move fast! Time is running out and one more year has been cut off my life. Well I just hope I can do the best for everything, my work, my KTB, my relationship with God and her, my family, friends, etc. I am content with the terms and conditions of the contract although many said that it was quite unfair to me. Well its life, and recession makes things worse I guess. And come on, its just two years. I'm quite confident with my ability to endure and get along with my colleagues. All in all, God is there with me and empowering me, when I want to be salt and light in my new company. Looking back, I'm happy for the year that had passed away. I had an internship, got into a relationship, and graduated well. Now I had obtained a job. I am thankful. =)

FYP is left with just presentation, and still I have 3 more projects to go. Over the past months I've learnt quite a lot other than school stuffs. Much has happened, and here are my updates:

My spirituality I will say is a bit chaotic. My life has been hectic with FYP and projects, maintaining relationship, cell groups, etc. I've been attending progsifs too some time. Especially concept wise, my spirituality has been experiencing a turbulence, a vacuum, a dead end! It might be bad. This academic mind is too good to make rationalizations and its been killing me. I'm upside down and aimless. If last time a simple sermon message can move me and correct me, now its easy for me to make rationalizations. For example, I am now skeptical to the sentence 'What is your motivation?'.. perhaps a rhetoric thrown out by some preacher in order to correct the audience motivation. But I know that motives are complex and might be a combination of many motives, and we usually dont have a pure and single motive. Perceiving this in mind, then those kind of sentences or part of sermon didnt really mean much, i've been numb. The urge for evangelism too, has been quite numb. I know much of the motivations, but why am I so defensive? 'Well we are called for this but I have other things to do too, projects!' And sometimes I went a bit far in defending myself and say 'well we must see the context.' Next thing is about hypocrite. The more I think about it, the more unclear what that means. When we say that someone is a hypocrite, we're judging their motivations. For if one is still struggling, although he shows bad examples while saying good things, he is not called a hypocrite. Fine.. I hope I will be able to clear myself up from this messy and aimless thinking, skeptical about everything (and even my own thinking). But yes, God still speaks through the sermons in the church. So I guess its ok. I'm limited, but God still walks beside me.

Next, relationship is fine, though kinda rocky at times esp when both of us are tired and spiritually down. Actually I learnt much from here too. I learnt to see and reflect about how God loves, and to recognize how short I am from practicing it. From the arguments, I was enriched academically. I understood more about human nature, and about how capable but twisted I am in winning arguments. I know I've perhaps been biased, and I can direct arguments so that it came upon my favour. People won't win me, but they will be simply disapprove of the conclusion. I've learnt about debating techniques (not mainly from this relationship but I also had been gaining the experience of thinking a lot). Now I became unsure of myself, simply because i can win many arguments. When people stand becomes strong, then I will find myself running towards skepticism, throwing very fundamental questions they can't really answer, until they land on one sure ground: presupposition/bias! Next, I noticed that when arguing with people who dont like to think much, or dont like debating and explaining how their stand is relevant and reliable, simply analyse the factors and throw a counter example! People who dont like to think will normally end the arguments there, and say 'Okay'.. These debating techniques can be very destructive if used with twisted motivations, winning the argument for the arguments sake. Next, regarding human relations I also learnt one thing, that we should often listen to what people mean and not what people say, as human beings are not 100% consistent. In fact they often contradict themselves. Finally, there are 2 categories of things that can make a person angry, and often cause couples to quarrel: emotional and logical. The logical category might involve emotions, but the reason is clear. On the other hand, the emotional cause tends to accumulate little, disapproving things over time. The two problems need to be solved in a different manner.

Anyway its good friday..