I've obtained a new insight on engineering, now that i've been 5 months working as an engineer. Engineering is very vast area. My longing is to do some fundamental research, or just to explore it. True enough, working as an engineer (perhaps just applicable to my current job), I can apply the fundamental things, but just as a matter of understanding things. Engineers need to now those fundamental stuffs, but its not enough. As engineering consists of many layers, you also have to be familiar with various products which your engineering field uses. Most of the time we deal with 'black boxes' as we used vendor components. Ultimately, you need to be familiar with all components and vendor's architectures in order to explore everything. But it is just not possible to have unlimited moving space. Even vendors have their interest not to expose the weakness of their products when we try to probe further, and it makes it hard to probe everything.

Next, I believe to learn theory itself isn't enough. Ultimately, theories must be met with applications. Applications which uses many components has to deal with a lot of vendors, providing the components. Probably as an engineer you will learn many things but as 'black boxes', very specified to one vendor, perhaps learning their architecture and product limitations. You will keep yourself busy with few temporary 'products', which itself evolves over time. Simply put, there are too much work to do, too much study must be done in something that seems trivial. Oh and what you learn and the things you are familiar with, they are just one strand of product in history. Well I think this confinement is inevitable, we're doomed to be limited anyway. Perhaps what I can do is to learn as much as possible and find the general conclusion that perhaps can unify, or simplify things. Well I think that will be good if it can be done. I don't want to end up just being specialist in one product. If I'd be a specialist, perhaps I would be a specialist in theory, and know the answers to general questions like 'how to connect the theory with the practice?'. I'm more interested in the methodology than the application. Applications, I believe, they are based on arbitrary insights.. but how good it is if we can make categories to insights, make them systematic instead of arbitrary. So, instead of learning many product architectures, I'd rather learn some rules like 'there's always tradeoff between A and B, which leads to two different products. One emphasises on A and the other emphasises on B'. And of course, together with the reason, why those tradeoffs are inevitable. So far I think I have talent for generating such conclusions, and to see things in a 'general' view, and make general conclusions.

Oh there are too many things to learn, but its exciting! But in the long run, again, I think we need to be specialists.. But I hope I wouldn't be a blind specialist, but a specialist that is clear why I want to specialise in such direction, while keeping other things in a general view. I personally think having a general view is important. As an analogy it's like having a google earth, you are possible to zoom in to one area and be familiar with it, but as long as you maintain the global view of the earth, practically you can zoom in anywhere else and switch direction if you will (just need time). Only that, now you choose to specify in this particular area since you think it is potential to unlock many mysteries and new applications.

And i wish perhaps I can contribute in the future in the area of science and technology, well perhaps incorporates some philosophy about its methodology too.. But the future is still unclear.. anyway, I won't be stubborn to determine my own destiny. We shld still seek and listen to God in the end and His calling should be much more meaningful.. Hmm..

I'm quite blessed by attending today's english service. The topic was about heaven. It was said that heaven is a good resting place. With all these burden of life, I imagined that in heaven, we will obtained the final answer of everything. The burden here, to live here on earth is too much. I don't understand myself, I don't understand people, I don't really know how my relationship with God is. Things are blurry down here.. But I think heaven is a good resting place because later it will become clear. How light it is when one day you met God and He confirmed everything, knowing that your faults been forgiven, your doubts and unsettling things made clear. In a court, it is like a 'closed case', that everyone can start to be relieved and forget about it, no more investigations, questions in the heart, suspicions, mysteries.

One thing that struck me is that today the question 'what are we going to do in heaven?' is like. Are we supposed to be worshipping God all day? Imagine an array of people singing, praising God, standing. After one song, they sat down, and proceed to another song. Will that be the case in heaven? One interesting point that been made is that praising God all day long isn't necessarily like so. As an analogy, you have a perfect wife and you just got married. For a few weeks you will praise her beauty when you first woke up in the morning. Next, you found out that she is excellent in cooking, and you praised her for that. While doing your assignment on quantum physics, one day she approached you and said 'Don't worry dear, I have a PhD in quantum physics.' You are shocked and amazed, you praised her again. Being in heaven with God is like so. God is infinite in measure and you will simply be amazed everyday, and praise comes naturally..

Well, just wanted to save this as a thought. Perhaps will attend the english service again next week..

I really feel that this life has been aimless.. Not only do many things made me down, everything has been a mess, ruined, but I also feel that many strivings are aimless down here on earth.. Now that i'm exposed to the software industry, a new window seemed to be opened. I started to understand things further, and ironically, the picture has been bleak. I conclude that the software industry, IT, spends too much time on learning sdks. New technologies,  APIs, are being introduced and most of what we did was just to familiarize ourselves with those sdks, and make something fancy out of those. Little did we get the chance to apply complex algorithms and made something that is breakthrough. Well, with more powerful APIs, you can do a lot more powerful things, beautiful GUIs, interfaces, etc, but that's it. Isn't it meaningless to just learn how to follow technology and use it? I feel that we're somehow confined to the API, the sdk, the current trend and technology. How sad and bleak the situation is.

Honestly I don't know what I'm going to be in years to come. I started to explore in my thoughts.. my passion is research, science, and curious about 'truth', philosophy, theology perhaps. And I explored the thought that someday I might also be a researcher. But then I think again, what for? To pursue research, ultimately you must believe that there is something meaningful in scientific progress, at least in the field of your research. I have passion for physics, but it is somehow detached from human need. I simply like the fundamentality of it, I am curious about how things work and I am curious about the fundamentals.

This burden of life is so hard, the question of what we are supposed to be. I started to think that perhaps I think too much, perhaps i'm being too idealistic, want to do much. Perhaps the problem is in me, that I am not satisfied to just do the portion that God permits me to do and that I'm trying to achieve more. Oh sometimes its better to just be a pragmatic, do what is in front.

My thought went further, 'what is really meaningful?'. Is scientific progress meaningful? Is gaining a full understanding of things meaningful? Is power meaningful? Is money meaningful? My answer tends to be a no. Theoretically, we live for the glory of God, and it is what is meaningful. But talking about the means, what are we supposed to do as a living, the question tends to be hard. I spoke to a friend lately, and he said that no, being something won't make you feel meaningful. Even the area of research which is full of politics and driven by economy, it is not as what I think it is. Nothing is meaningful. Everything is just like data, and what we do, we ourselves put meaning to it. I haven't thought about it yet, just put it down to consider later..

Anyway, in my exploration, I also conclude that IT is a technology about 'managing content'. Network is about how to distribute those content. Database is to store the content, and fancy GUI, algorithms, is just to alter the presentation of the content. While the content itself, it is obtained by research, years of experiment and study.

Oh how I feel small and meaningless.. why do we have to even think about all these, when disaster can easily kill hundreds thousands of people. How am I supposed to figure out meaning to my life?

Somehow I think it is also an excuse, when people say that I can glorify God in the little things of everydayness, in relationship with friends, in faithfully doing what I am supposed to do in the workplace. So then is the question of 'what is the right career' becomes irrelevant? Im not convinced.. Besides, how can you strive for the glory of God in relation to people? I am not wise, even I might be stumbling block to others , leading others astray. My relation to people has not been very good too, how can I still think of relating correctly and glorifying God? Of these pressing issues are too hard to comprehend. Meanwhile, I feel that my life is meaningless and useless.. There is nothing good that I can do.. Help..

'God did not say to Moses, "Stop putting yourself down. You are somebody. You are eloquent." That is not the biblical way. What God said was, "Stop looking at your own unworthiness and uselessness and look at me. I made the mouth. I will be with you. I will help you. I will teach you what to say. Look to me and live!". The biblical answer to the paralysis of low self-esteem is not high self-esteem; it is sovereign grace. ' (John Piper)

Today's sermon is about relationship with people, I dunno how it can be exactly the same topic about my struggles lately. But the crucial part has not been answered.

I've always been too skeptical, the more I think about myself, the more confusing it seems. I don't understand myself. People I think are too complicated and its very blurry, confusing, complicated. I've searched hard, and I do think that motivations are straight, but then again, every people think their motives are straight. No one recognize their biases. How can I know myself exactly? How do I know my own heart's wickedness and how can I really be sure of myself? And this question is very important to have an answer as it determines everything else. If we are wicked, how can we proceed? How can we interact with people for that would just bring destruction and not constructive. If we think we are biased, shouldnt we just keep quiet? This is the confusion about myself. Perhaps there's some connection with 'undecisiveness', as the question always appeals for the other possibility 'what if I am wrong?'.. How can we settle this?

And yes, sometimes I do think that people are so arbitrary. Take a concrete example of being a hypocrite. We can't know others motivation exactly, what we see are just phenomenon. How can we judge other people's hearts? How can we judge that someone is a hypocrite while not knowing the inner struggles of the other person? Hypocrites are those people whose heart and words are different. But then again, no one is perfectly consistent! How can we judge the other person as hypocrites if they are people who are not perfectly consistent? Aren't the lines always drawn arbitrarily? Surely, it requires wisdom to discern, but that is exactly what I don't understand! People do speak in vague terms, and I still don't get what is meant by wisdom to discern.. I tend to think about 'how', the more practical aspect of how wisdom is implemented, what kind of judgements are to be made, what are the thought process, or in other words, how wisdom works in every details..

Anyway, today's message is about self, that we should not always criticize but being constructive. When we see things are bad, instead of complaining, we should seek to improve it. For Jesus comes not to judge (destructive), but to save (constructive). But it is very difficult to be constructive honestly. In relationship between people, to be constructive, it is insufficient to just have love, but we should have wisdom. (Again, wisdom used in vague terms. What are its principles basically? I dont know and no one tells..) What is the measure of wisdom? When relationship between people falls apart, do we call it not wise? And when its peaceful, does it mean wise? Should we measure wisdom based on peacefulness? Or should wisdom be measured in terms of effectiveness? Or any other criterias? Again, we have not perfect wisdom as Christians, still stumbling here and there so often. We might as well be stumbling block to others...

Oh everything seems so blur and arbitrary... And in the end one who give counsel can only say.. 'Men is not wise enough, just have a good relationship with God and seek His wisdom.' And yet I remain asking a lot of questions to myself, and no answer has been given.. and I still think that men speaks in vague terms.