I really feel that this life has been aimless.. Not only do many things made me down, everything has been a mess, ruined, but I also feel that many strivings are aimless down here on earth.. Now that i'm exposed to the software industry, a new window seemed to be opened. I started to understand things further, and ironically, the picture has been bleak. I conclude that the software industry, IT, spends too much time on learning sdks. New technologies, APIs, are being introduced and most of what we did was just to familiarize ourselves with those sdks, and make something fancy out of those. Little did we get the chance to apply complex algorithms and made something that is breakthrough. Well, with more powerful APIs, you can do a lot more powerful things, beautiful GUIs, interfaces, etc, but that's it. Isn't it meaningless to just learn how to follow technology and use it? I feel that we're somehow confined to the API, the sdk, the current trend and technology. How sad and bleak the situation is.
Honestly I don't know what I'm going to be in years to come. I started to explore in my thoughts.. my passion is research, science, and curious about 'truth', philosophy, theology perhaps. And I explored the thought that someday I might also be a researcher. But then I think again, what for? To pursue research, ultimately you must believe that there is something meaningful in scientific progress, at least in the field of your research. I have passion for physics, but it is somehow detached from human need. I simply like the fundamentality of it, I am curious about how things work and I am curious about the fundamentals.
This burden of life is so hard, the question of what we are supposed to be. I started to think that perhaps I think too much, perhaps i'm being too idealistic, want to do much. Perhaps the problem is in me, that I am not satisfied to just do the portion that God permits me to do and that I'm trying to achieve more. Oh sometimes its better to just be a pragmatic, do what is in front.
My thought went further, 'what is really meaningful?'. Is scientific progress meaningful? Is gaining a full understanding of things meaningful? Is power meaningful? Is money meaningful? My answer tends to be a no. Theoretically, we live for the glory of God, and it is what is meaningful. But talking about the means, what are we supposed to do as a living, the question tends to be hard. I spoke to a friend lately, and he said that no, being something won't make you feel meaningful. Even the area of research which is full of politics and driven by economy, it is not as what I think it is. Nothing is meaningful. Everything is just like data, and what we do, we ourselves put meaning to it. I haven't thought about it yet, just put it down to consider later..
Anyway, in my exploration, I also conclude that IT is a technology about 'managing content'. Network is about how to distribute those content. Database is to store the content, and fancy GUI, algorithms, is just to alter the presentation of the content. While the content itself, it is obtained by research, years of experiment and study.
Oh how I feel small and meaningless.. why do we have to even think about all these, when disaster can easily kill hundreds thousands of people. How am I supposed to figure out meaning to my life?
Somehow I think it is also an excuse, when people say that I can glorify God in the little things of everydayness, in relationship with friends, in faithfully doing what I am supposed to do in the workplace. So then is the question of 'what is the right career' becomes irrelevant? Im not convinced.. Besides, how can you strive for the glory of God in relation to people? I am not wise, even I might be stumbling block to others , leading others astray. My relation to people has not been very good too, how can I still think of relating correctly and glorifying God? Of these pressing issues are too hard to comprehend. Meanwhile, I feel that my life is meaningless and useless.. There is nothing good that I can do.. Help..