For the past days I've been feeling that I'm at lost.. I've no clues for everything.. I don't understand.. I am bored..

I no longer entered the science forum which I spent many times posting for the past semesters. I think it is useless. Debating in the theology section is useless, everytime everyone disagrees they just don't answer or think. Posts were endless and it's impossible to answer everything. So I think it is futile.

I've lose interest in businesses (so quick). Some business books are just motivational books which turns you into a money-making machine. It incorporates a change in mindset, almost like hypnotism. The most frequent words are 'set your target, be focused!'

In studies, some modules I don't feel very comfortable. Some lectures are boring and I think I can learn more if I read the textbooks and spend time studying and experimenting by myself. But the problem is, time is very tight! And another module still I don't agree with its pragmatic philosophy. How can we develop a business plan before we even know the terrain of the business world? And for one module about innovation, the question that goes unasked is 'Do we have to innovate first? Or conduct a market research as to what sort of innovation will sell?' And for the technological innovation, the question that goes unasked is 'Should we set our aim for which new technology first?' I rather disagree because often innovation or the application of a new technology should follow research findings. Research is prior to innovation! I dunno, but that's is how I perceive..

I'm getting bored with everydayness.. With the routines, some pointless meetings.. Im bored with the quarrel, about some who think they're the truest.. about some who are indifferent to seek the truth.. about myself who shouts to nobody..

I'm tired with competing.. if what we compete is just for subjective judgement..

I'm becoming not sure of myself.. ever since I thought about psychology, it makes the lines more blurry. Is there really some law that governs human behavior? If there is, then we are just some 'robots' stirred by those laws.. Are we meant to be biased? Can biases in psychology be avoided? If not, then how are we to be sure of ourselves? Or maybe the most fundamental question is to say 'is psychology reliable?'

I'm questioning myself about my motives.. sometimes I pondered over the question 'am I escaping?' and yesterday a new term came to me. Now I pondered 'am I exhibiting a self-defense mechanism?'

The questions I have about relationship that I wanted to pursue (that be my commitment) is also a thing i've left behind pursuing for a while. Time is very tight at the moment.. and I'm rather tired also..  

About the student ministry.. I'm not sure if I can be the salt and light.. i think I can.. but sometimes what I wanted to do, I don't do, and what I don't want, I do. (perhaps this is quoted out of context), and I think I have an enlightenment, as in a new interpretation to those verse. Maybe it's not talking about willful sin. Maybe it talks about limitedness.. carelessness.. which destroys everything. In that sense it is not what I intent that I do.. It's like loving someone but what you think would be an act of loving turns out to hurt them. 

There are now too many questions that I couldn't answer.  I feel that I have lost grip for too many things... i'm overwhelmed..

Am I just being pessimistic? Now this is another question that I have no answer -_-"

perhaps I might need to take a short break..

I am currently reading 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye', and another book still awaits 'Boy Meets Girl', both by Joshua Harris. I have to finish them by this saturday!!! I bought those books just last saturday and it was intended for my 2 sisters.

'I Kissed Dating Goodbye', according to what I've read so far (arnd 123 pages of reading) is definitely a great book! It's a highly recommended read!!

Some concepts that I learn about dating / relationships, and I hope I can carry them through are :

1) The Little Relationship Principle that says : 'The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment'. Basically, it is said that we should be very careful about intimacy. It is dangerous to have intimacy without commitment! To quote : "If we're not able to deepen in commitment and pursue the possibility of marriage, we should halt the progression of intimacy at the friendship stage. What I hope you understand is that this concept trancends the issue of whether you're officially 'dating' someone. Obviously, going on dates and placing yourself in romantically charged settings with someone will usually accelerate the intimacy of your relationship. But you don't have to go out on a date to become inappropriately intimate. You can do that over the phone, via e-mail, or on group dates. A guy meeting a girl over the lunch isn't the issue. The issue is whether the intimacy in your relationship is appropriate to your current level of commitment." Yeah.. so every deepening intimacy must be related to commitment. It is wrong to seek intimacy just for the sake of intimacy itself, "because it feels good", just as it is wrong to go for a date just for the sake of the pleasure of dating itself.

2) The seven habits of highly defective dating (why dating is often bad) :

1. Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. This is related to what i've been wondering about, some people just see someone as a candidate to be his/her partners. If he/she is a candidate, then it is impossible that he/she is her/his friend. He/she would say "He asked me out, but I'm just afraid that if we start actually dating it will change our friendship". What this person really saying is that they recognize that dating encourages romantic expectations. But intimacy without friendship is superficial. A relationship solely based on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last only as long as the feelings last.
2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
3. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. For people who aren't ready for commitment, this dating tendency is detrimental.
4. Dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
5. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.
6. Dating can create an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character. It is because people can wear 'masks' in front of those who they're dating with.
7. Dating often becomes an end in itself.

3) Practical alternative that God offers those who want to please Him with their whole lives:

1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love.
2. My unmarried years are a gift from God. As a single you have the freedom right now to explore, study and tackle the world. No other time in your life will offer these chances.
3. I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage. It's selfish and potentially very harmful to yourself and the other person to encourage that person to need you or ask him/her to gratify you emotionally or physically.
4. I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage. Are you making unwarranted emotional, spiritual, or even physical claims on someone?
5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind. Where, when and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity. 

4) Defining Love :Love is not the fulfillment of self but for the glory of God and the good of others. True love is selfless. It gives; it sacrifices; it dies to its own needs. "Greater love has no one than this," Jesus said, "that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13). It is also not governed by feeling, for Jesus didn't feel like enduring the beatings, hanging on the cross, and enduring God's wrath for sin. Love is under our control, it is never uncontrollable. Jesus chose to love us.

5) Love must be sincere, not asking "What can you do for me? What can I get from you?"

6) We should trust God on the timing for our relationship. He has the best plan for us. Do you believe that God knows best? Then place your life's calendar at His feet and allow Him to handle the scheduling of your relationships. Trust Him even if it means no dating when other people think you should. When God knows you're ready He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Stop shopping around prematurely! God has a perfect plan for your life. More than likely, that plan includes marriage, and if so, somewhere inthis world God has the perfect person for you. You may or may not know this person right now. If you spend all your time and energy trying to hunt this person down, you might actually do that person a disservice. For now what's most important to realize is that the guy/girl you will one day marry doesn't need a girlfriend/boyfriend. What that person really needs is someone mature enough to spend the season before marriage preparing to be a godly wife or husband. So let's do our future spouses a favor and stop shopping prematurely!

7) Regarding purity :

1. Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy
2. Set your standards too high. 
3. Make the purity of others a priority : it is our duty to guard each other regarding purity. The guy shall guard the girl (by not flirting), the girl shall guard the guy (by not wearing exposing clothes).  

8) Starting anew. Building something sometimes means tearing down old things. Sometimes it requires break ups, adjusting the focus of a relationship. Other things would be to seek for consult, eg. parents, establishing clear guidelines and checking who's whispering in your ear (what movies/shows you watch, whether it brings discontentment on your singlehood, or compromise?) Who are your friends? etc. Next, to answer other people that question your change of attitude, season your conviction with humility. Don't win arguments. Our main goal is  to humbly communicate what God has shown you, to encourage your friends and contribute to their growth. 

9) Important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex :

1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy. Friendship is about something other than the two people in the relationship; intimacy is about each other. The key to friendship is a common goal or object on which both companions focus. As soon as the two people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship.
2. Be inclusive, not exclusive. We must include others in activities, but it doesn't mean finding a token chaperone so you can go on a date.
3. Make a priority of same-sex friendships.
4. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained. A cultural obsession with entertainment is an expression of selfishness.

10) Three worldly things that pollute our hearts (1 John 2:15-16) :

1. Infatuation - it is most founded on illusion, creating a perfect portray of someone. Symptomps: Constant thoughts, heart palpitations, hours spent dreaming of a future with that special someone. To break out from infatuation, we must reject the notion tat a human relationship can ever completely fulfill us. We must continue to avoid infatuation by resolving not to feed attraction, dont nurse a crush!
2. Lust - To fight it, we must detest it with the same intensity as God does. We should seek to completely remove lust, eg praying, and avoid those things that encourage wrong desire. eg throwing secular romance novels, movies, or avoiding locations which encourages lust.
3. Self Pity - The worship of our circumstances. It is a sinful response to feelings of loneliness. We sin when we use these feelings as an excuse to turn from God an exalt our own needs. Solution : redirect them into compassion for others. Look around for someone who might share your feelings of loneliness, and find a way to comfort that person. Get your focus off your needs, and help meet someone else's. Learn to use feelings of loneliness as an opportunity to draw closer to God...

11) We must redeem the time, and make the most of our singleness.  In the story of Isaac and Rebekah, Rebekah was able to meet God's divine appointment for her life because she was faithfully carrying out her obligations.Things we can do :

1. Practice intimacy - with our current family members, eg parents.
2. Practice seeking God with others
3. Practice financial responsibility
4. Practice parenthood
5. Practice practical life skills

As singles, part of good stewardship involves gaining the skills we'll need in marriage. We need to make sure we "redeem the time" to glorify God, not to earn brownie points from Him so that we can demand marriage. We prepare and develop our characters so we can be flexible and useful for Him as possible, no matter what He plans for our future.

12) How should we view marriage?

1. Reverence - a profound single respect with awe
2. Discretion - discernment or good judgement
3. Advisedly - carefully consider it
4. Soberly - to be well balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement or prejudice

13) Character qualities and attitudes that matter most in life partner:

1. Things that last. We're too easily impressed by image. God wants us to value qualities that will last. Joshua Harris have developed 'what matters at fifty' attitude.
2. Character - "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching" ~ Randy Alcorn. We don't define a person's true character by the image that person wishes to convey or the reputation he or she hides behind, but by the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day.
3. Attitude. Attitude is a person's vantage point, the way he or she looks and reacts to life.

How to examine true Character? We can probe into:

1. How a person relates to God

2. How a person relates to others :

•  Authority. How does a potential mate respond to people in authority? Look for, and strive to become, a person who respects God-given authority.
• Parents. The sage advice: "The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife", the same goes for the way a girl relates to her dad.
• The opposite sex. Genuine friendliness or flirtatiousness?
• Companions. The way someone treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends really are. Who are a potential marriage partner's closest friends? How do these friends act? What do they value?

3. Personal discipline. When we consider this category, we need to  note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits or poor manners. Habits to probe : how a person uses time, handles money, takes care of his/her body (dressing, eating habits)

Some important attitudes:

1. An attitude of willing obedience to God.
2. An attitude of humility.
3. An attitude of industriousness.
4. An attitude of contentment and hopefulness.

True beauty : "..when I imagine her at fifty she'll be even more beautiful than she is today. The years won't detract, they'll only sharpen and mature her. Because with a woman who fears God, whose inner strength draws from the wellspring of His life, time can only add to her true beauty."

Very important point: We need to concentrate not only on finding the right person but, more importantly, on becoming the right person.

14) Stages for a godly romantic relationships :

1. Casual friendship.
2. Deeper friendship.
3. Courtship: purposeful intimacy with integrity.
4. Engagement.

Every time you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you're involved in 3 kinds of relationships; your relationship with the person you're interested in, including families and friends, and most important, your relationship with God. You have a responsibility toward each.

Deeper friendship is to gain an accurate, unbiased view of each other's true nature. Things to avoid : avoid saying and doing things that express romantic love. Don't take things into your own hands by flirting or dropping hints about your romantic feelings, and don't encourage your friends to talk about or treat you as a couple.

Green lights going from deeper friendship to courtship :

1. God's word
2. You're ready for marriage
3. The approval and support of your parents (guardians, mentors or Godly Christian friends)
4. God's peace

15) Someday I'll write my story that I'm proud to tell.

~the end for 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'

Today is my very hectic day (actually it's yesterday, it's 'today' because i'm still awake at 1am), and i guess it's pretty efficient. Woke up at 6.30, rushed to Newton Post Office to collect some letters for my uncle, while managed to read 15 pages of software engineering textbook at MRT, rushed back to NUS to catch up my lecture at 09.00-12.00, have lunch with Hody, go to CL, take a rest for 45 mins, attend project meeting for 1 module, attend 2 tutorials, attend another project meeting for another module, then go to canteen to eat quickly, take mrt and rush to simlim square to buy 1 Ghz RAM, rushed to mandarin hotel to visit my grandma, had some supper with my uncle, back to hotel, and it's 10.20 pm already. I rushed back home, read some chapter on the Bible, took my bath, rested a bit, checked my mail, wrote a post for ISCF's blog, and finally i write this blog. Time to sleep.  

I hope tomorrow will be as efficient! Oh yea, my commitment for January this year is still unaccomplished =( nvm! getting on for the february, and I need to catch up for what's still not done! :D

Sometimes, being efficient means playing near the boundary of collapsing, but not crossing that boundary... Someone who's efficient in working will work till, if he/she work another minute, he/she would fall sick, and at that point he/she would take rest, so as to prevent being sick. But of course, there lies an assumption that tiredness (though it is still far from the limit of sickness) would not affect effectiveness. But this can be tackled by having short rests in the middle, hence maintaining effectivity throughout...

'因 我 活 着 就 是 基 督 ， 我 死 了 就 有 益 处' (Philippians 1:21)

这几天我是在想这一个问题.. 如果我们活着就是基督,死了就是益处, 那如果我们不能够当世 上 的盐和光, 活下去有什么值得呢?

Yesterday's valentine can be a happy moment for some, can be a broken hearted moment for some others, can also be a worst day for another.

Just browsed through the net.. and I found this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23171567?GT1=10856

Another shootings on campus?? on a Valentine's day?

What a world! -_-"

Afterall the label 'love' on Valentine's day is too exaggerated, we must remember we're living in a sinful world..

Of course, on Valentine's day many were innocent couples celebrating their loves..

Many families were feeling warm with love..

BUT..

Some people might be broken hearted as their love got rejected..

Some families might also be cold, bitter, esp when husbands and wives celebrate their valentines with their 'second spouses'..

Afterall, the name 'Valentine' was too exaggerated.. an over-idealized icon..

But in reality, we're still living in a cold, harsh and fallen world..

What a weird film! Watched this with my high school friends.. A little sneak preview, it was a story about persons who has the ability to 'teleport', they're called 'jumpers'. Of course there aren't many of them, just 2 jumpers are identified in the film. Then there are a group of 'police', called paladins, that wants to kill the jumpers.

I think the film is not that good. First, it's so unrealistic! If I had that ability, I could win much easily!  

Secondly, the main actor was so reckless. He did things without thinking of the consequences, therefore he was identified as a jumper by the paladins and was pursued. And his recklessness is triggered by greed and by his upheaval of emotions, that he undertake things carelessly. Otherwise most of the troubles could've been prevented.

The third thing is that the main actor is not genuine, he's basically covering up everything with his partner. Things could've been more smooth if he just be more open.

Some lessons:

It's better to live on the reality and get rid of dreams, no matter how beautiful it is, if it is grounded on lies.

Always think of the consequences of your actions before you act to avoid unnecessary troubles.

Some points that I still ponder:

Hm.. although ideally things should be discussed honestly and openly, perhaps some people are not mature enough to be engaged in such discussions... then what's the best option?

Just watched this film at Vivo city with ko Tjel, Har, Daz, Johni, Sam, Shiela, Mark..

It was supposed to be a comedy though I didn't laugh a bit. I find that the movie was quite boring in the middle, although towards the end it gets better. In short, the story was about a 16 yr old girl named 'Juno' who got pregnant accidentally. So the story was about her, overcoming her pregnancy, about the disgrace that she had to face when meeting with friends, parents, etc. Her friend who made her pregnant somehow don't really care much. But somehow her character is of the 'don't care' and 'cool' type that she seldom feel it to be a disgrace or too sad about it. Next, she planned to have her baby adopted by a couple who's planning to get married, found one couple, and that's it, the story revolves about her and the couple. Towards the end she born the baby. The unpredicted twist was that she got back to her friend who made her pregnant, forgave him and got back together. I think this twist makes the whole more meaningful, otherwise it would be just a 'boring' film straight to the end.

Some things made me ponder. Actually I respected Juno in some of her choices. It struck me when she found out that the couple who wanted to adopted her child quarreled (though they seemed a happy couple), she then went back home and asked her Dad : "is it possible for 2 people to live happily forever?". Her Dad replies that its actually very difficult. The next day, she approached her boyfriend, forgave him and they got back together, though he was the person that brought her the disgrace and not being responsible.

Yup, no one is perfect indeed. Perhaps some mistakes are more serious than the others in terms of consequences, but still, sinful human beings are bound to make mistakes, though the consequences really differ. The other thing that admires me besides her readiness to forgive, is her readiness to accept reality (And I realise its very hard!). Reality is far from the ideal, and sometimes perhaps we should just accept a person no matter whether he/she is pretty, ugly, handsome, talented, dumb, etc.. (although I am aware that the pretty would get ugly sooner or later and the ugly would get uglier). The point is, if you've accepted someone, then accept him/her as a whole! Thus I think if the film is continued, the girl would not break up with the boy as she had been mature enough to accept her partner as he is, assuming people don't change of course. And yeah, perhaps what can make 2 persons live "happily ever after" is for the two to realise and be content with the not-so-ideal reality.

Currently i'm in no mood to do work! It's midterm break and I will have to attend my lab at 2.00 pm this afternoon, and I also have to prepare for tomorrows project meetings..

So i decided to just take it easy for the couple of hours in front.. listening to some music and have my time to daydream a little.. ^_^ Anyway it's not good to keep working all the while. Like how Google Inc made for their employees, its better to do the things that you enjoy doing 20% of the time.

And so I want to dream..

In my dream I was in my 60s, reading the newspapers, perhaps doing some chores while my little grandsons are happily running around. Oh well.. in my 60s I started to ponder back, reflecting about my life. How would I see the portion of life back then when I'm in the university? Of course there are many things to be grateful.. Looking back, its the period of time where I really learnt about Christianity, if in college I was still very ignorant, and going to church was still just a routinity or just to satisfy an unreasonable thirst for a fellowship. In my 60's, I also want to be grateful for university friends, that I still remember and keep in touch with, and yeah, i owe my thanks for the internet. Back then was the 'period' of blogs, google chats.. Perhaps some events would still be vividly be written on the unerasable blog pages, of mine, of my friends.. It will be kinda funny to read the posts then.. It will also be kinda funny to see this post then, predicting about what would I think in my 60's, haha..the too imaginative youthful me =p. Oh well..all in all, would I see it as a beautiful picture in the future when I looked back? Would I cry at my 60s?... When the clock is ticking faster. At least I would be grateful that I had 'lived'.. it's such a nice, wonderful journey.. =) 

*ZAP* back to work, arghhh!! my real life at 21 >_<

Should I move? Oh well.. the new apartment looks nice, cosy, though the bedroom is very small. A walking distance from school, highly accessible, quite a number of facilities including tennis, swimming pool, squash, gym. 8 housemates, 4 bedrooms. But I don't know anyone! My mom said it's better to be staying with someone whom I already know well. Anyway it's a bad time to move, march will be very packed, and I must adapt. No no.. the choice is still in my hands, maybe I should find another one though this one looks nice. Anyway I don't feel very easy on moving, new friends, so unfamiliar! I already get used to staying with ppl from my church. The facilities and walking distance might be good, but what if my spirituality gets worse there? Oh maybe this is just an excuse for not moving. Everyone's gone, and a new environment is ok.. Uneasiness is inevitable! Just move on dude! But no!! Argghhh!! I'm getting a headache! >_<

In summary:

+ A walking distance from school, lots of housemates which is varied (there is 1 chinese and 1 german), cheap ($350), facilities, will be a roomate with a chinese (I can learn chinese, hehee)

- I know no one yet (must adapt), there's no one from my church, will be roomates with someone I dont know, there are 2 girls in the house, if I confirm I must move around early march

What should I do? what should I do? Help!!! Any suggestion?? =s

Maybe I should just find a better offer..

 Angela Zhang : Qin Ai De Na Bu Shi Ai Qing

http://youtube.com/watch?v=m2UOHgwXvnA

Taeyeon : If

http://youtube.com/watch?v=X-PsDJFTYaU