Last week I was struck during the youth fellowship in my church, when there's this sharing about the new technology which has changed the world, chatting particularly which has become ubiquitous nowadays. It makes people feel as if they were close, but actually they were not! Many modern youngsters indeed have lived in 2 different worlds, the virtual and the real, and sometimes they possess different sets of personalities being in those 2 worlds. I also have talked about this matter with a few friends, well.. chatted actually -__-". And I've came across some questions.

Personally, I think that the comment is generally true. But regarding personalities.. actually its quite hard to say. What kind of personality is being meant here? I admit that I find myself more 'outspoken' and talkative when I chat, but not because I possessed different personality. First, I noticed that the context is different. Usually chatting is done 1-on-1. So I think it's quite an unreliable conclusion if you noticed that someone is quiet in the real world, but talkative in chat, and you immediately claim that there's indeed a difference. Sometimes people just meet in groups in the real world, so I think what is fair for comparison is when someone meets another person 1-on-1 in the real world and try to see if there's any difference in his/her behavior. Or similarly, if you do a group chat, you can compare that with a real group meeting.

But is the difference meant really the difference in terms of 'outspokenness'? Isn't it normal to be more outspoken and talkative during an online chat compared to the real? Because I think the answer is rather psychological. You're relaxed when you chat, and it's could give you the impersonal atmosphere so you can sometimes be more open. Or maybe it's the motive? Perhaps sometimes chat can be derived for self-pleasure. We mostly chatted not about serious stuffs. Truly, it's a great way of relaxation, and is selfish! Hmm.. Or other than outspokenness, what kind of 'personality differences' could be meant actually? What I can think of is if someone tries to behave in a way in the virtual world that is not really of his/her character. Of course in the virtual world you can easily disguise yourself, or maybe impersonate other person. Is it such cases that really creates a 'gap' in personalities mentioned?

Oh well.. it's very complicated actually.  But one serious danger is clear, it's not the difference of personality as it is hard to tell, but maybe because chatting gives us the sense of substitute of 'socialisation'. In fact, people feel secure if they've chatted, gathered with their friends online. When it comes to real, they noticed that they lack social skills. I think this is the real danger. Hm, and of course, some might be addicted and thus chatting could also make someone ineffective, though many other types of activities can also contribute to ineffectiveness eg. browsing, playing games too much, watching Youtube.

Anyway, regardless of how complicated it is and despite my limited ability to understand things, I believe I should take my step to reduce chatting.. for everyone's sake..

 

I've often heard this 'principle'.. that when someone tries to avoid one thing as he/she thinks its bad, he/she often swings to the other extreme. For example, take the relation between content and presentation. The world is so fed up of presentation, of image. Sometimes, some people who hated the way it all works simply turns out their slogans to be "Content is important, but presentation is not." Well, I'm included actually, though I'm still struggling out of it. As a result, some people likes to display the worst, and performs the best, which is also not right. The right way must be having 'true content and true presentation'.

There are a lot more examples. Though I'm not well educated about history, but someone said that history also displays the swinging pendulum pattern. It goes from rationalism.. to the extreme postmodernism. While in fact both are not quite right. The pendulum swings too much.

In some cases, however, I've noticed that people are using this model to judge.. other people, generations, some movements, etc. We can easily say 'that's too much to the right/left'.. I'm not saying that we musn't judge, but the most crucial question to be answered is really, 'Where is the center of the pendulum?'

I haven't wrote in a couple of weeks.. So here are my updates.. 

Actually many thoughts have came across these days, but my days are so hectic, there's really not that much time to write and sum everything up..

First.. the thought about my module, HR2002. It's a compulsory module by all engine students, Human Resource Management module. Oh well it generally introduces me about human psychology. It deals with aspects involved in human relations in workplaces in particular, and the topics covered ranges eg emotions, thought processes, traits, etc.. Basically getting to learn about psychology opened up something that I didn't know before. It kinda challenges my faith! So far the C.S Lewis' arguments about 'The Law of Morality' seems unchallenged, and I never knew there was a 'secular' version of it. While the Christian version says that morality arises because God had created us in His image, and thus there's an 'inner' voice in us that says no when we want to commit sin, another model is brought up. In psychology, there's the 'two voices of good and evil' and it is termed the 'I' and the 'me'. Well.. the 'I' basically says what I want, while the 'me' says what society demands us to do. I guess psychology is trying to say that the 'me' part is the result that we have lived in a societal context that the 'me' part is developed.. Hm I'm a bit skeptical though. If it is ultimately the 'society' that is prioritized, why do some people have to bear even to the point of death for the society's betterment? I mean.. if the 'me' part is a result of a society, why would it be opposed by the society itself? Which society causes the 'me' part to form? Is it a different society? An ideal of a society in our minds? Hmm..doesn't the example support more excellently the idea that there indeed exists a higher ideal determined by God, a higher entity?  

Next thing (still about HR2002) is about the concept of role identities.. It is said that we 'act' the way we act because we are indeed playing roles. At school, we 'act' as a student because we are indeed taking the position as a student. In front of our friends, we 'act' as friends. Acting here is passive actually, in other words the word 'act' does not involve conscious or intentional means to conceal something, or to cheat. An example given is that, when we are with our friends, and suddenly our parents come to join, we often don't know how to react! This is because there is a conflict of identities. We therefore don't know how to behave, or know what the position is supposed to be. Well, how does this relate to Christianity? I am thinking of a possible conflict between role-identities model and integrity that is demanded as Christians. If we divide our lives into the 'holy' part, eg during Sundays, and 'secular' parts, then we are not integrated! But... what about role identities? (At church we are acting as good Christians?) No, I don't mean that it is justifiable and therefore makes a good excuse for not being integrated, but I just sense that there's a conflict of the two concepts that they can't coexist, or is it possible that they be harmonized?

Secondly, I am blessed through yesterday's PU. It reminds me to live an integrated life. I think one reason why we get disintegrated is because we're simply busy! Oh maybe that's an excuse. Hm but it may as well be a factor that contributed. Sunday is a holy day, while Mondays to Saturdays we are simply distracted by the roller-coaster of activities, except for the short quiet-time periods. Hm.. but no, I don't think being busy is an excuse. Is it wasteful of your time to just say a sentence of thanksgiving once in a while, or say a short prayer before meetings? Hm..is it just a matter of habits? I recalled last time I really had that habit, but why did it disappear? Is it a spirituality problem? Too much distractions? Simply a habitual thing?.. One suggestion is to start doing the habit, but isn't it supposed to be a natural thing? Well.. anyway I will try to revive my spiritual disciplines and I hope it helps. One thing I learnt too is that 'The heart of all matters is the matter of the heart', which is true after I reflect on it. When spirituality worsens, not only studies worsens, but service, relation with others, families, friends, also worsens. Last thing, being integrated means being the same if we're alone or in front of others; to act out what you think / feel; and to behave in the same manner if we're in one group or another groups (but what about role identities?? .....unsolved problem)

This morning's Kairos Reunion was somewhat great, several things struck me. To keep things short, we are to run the race that God has set for us.. we should follow Christ. We should not be self reliant (God will destroy our self reliance), and finally it is for the glory of God, and that we're called primarily to be Christ-like. I remembered the four cycle: live your life -> accumulate events -> show response -> gain maturity in being. Oh well it's not perfect but it's approximately so. I realised that perhaps I'm insensitive to God's intervention, that sometimes I really did move in a circles in the 'accumulate events' step. I hope I can be more sensitive, and I hope I can show the correct response. Another thing that caught me is to always ask 'How does this particular thing will bring glory to God?' before deciding to do something/ making decisions. I hope this will come in as a handy tip.

The youth fellowship is great too.. (Oh well these days seems like a buffet of truth, i'm overwhelmed). It was taken from Luke 17:1-4, particularly about 'things that cause people to sin', about 'rebuke' and 'forgiveness'. 'Things that cause people to sin' if it is read in the Indonesian Bible gives me the impression that it is discussing about false teachings. Basically it brought me to ponder about epistemology 'How do you know what is the true teaching' that I won't discuss here since it deserves a separate long post. Next, about rebuke, similar to judgments. Can we judge? Yes we can! Indeed when you're evangelizing are you not judging others (that others belief is false)? But Matthew 7 says that we should not judge! The problem is, we often judge to justify our own position, like saying 'Aha, see? I am indeed right'. We judge others pointing to their weaknesses, not so that they be edified but for them to be ashamed and for us to be highly regarded. In fact,we should judge by using God's Word.. thereby judging ourselves as well as we judge others. 

With regard to mercy, Luke 17:4 says that we should forgive 'seven times in a day', while in Matt 18:22 it says 'seventy-seven times'. This is not taken literally, but 'seven' means perfection. It means that we should forgive each other infinitely! For me, I think I'm quite ready to forgive anyone, but that doesn't mean that I'm automatically merciful. I recalled John Piper said that there's no mercy without justice. I'm a phlegmatic, and it might be the case that I am struggling with my indifference, with hailing 'justice'. If i'm not just, how can I be merciful? Or maybe I just close my eyes to everything thus it looks as if I'm merciful? hmm.. I hope that I keep striving to hail justice while mercy / forgiveness at the same time. I personally think it is a beautiful thing if you have the utmost justice and the utmost mercy. A husband whose wive had commited adultery will have utmost pain if he has the utmost sense of justice, and will need utmost mercy to forgive her. And if he can really forgive her, it would be the utmost beauty. They would hug in tears, the husband who is hurt as he was cheated and the wive who is hurt because she is loved despite everything. And vice versa. Without justice, there would be no tears, no hugging, no beauty, just a 'oh it's ok, fine, i forgive you', which is rather plain. Oh well.. I must strive for having justice and mercy!

I'm sure there's a lot more that I missed.. anyway, time to sleep! ^_^

 

  

Oh it must be due to my lack of sleep.. Today I just had a midterm..was not very good.. I had a project proposal submission and now I'm having a project meeting that I can't go to the youth fellowship. I apologize everyone who talks to me if I seem blurred or disconnected.. Oh I think i'm stressed out... and not going for the fellowship made me feel kinda guilty.. but I can't delay the project till tmr.. =(

This easter I want to start reflecting.. I need to review my own Christianity. Am I a Christian? I certainly go to church, go to fellowships, had my quiet times (though perhaps not very often).. I struggled with sin.. But I'm not sure, I don't even honor Sabbath. I don't honor it even though I know about it as someone has told me. Am I practising lawlessness? Now am I too quick to defend myself against all laws and shout 'legalist!'? Am I really concerned about walking the will of the Father?..  

I mean, I think so far I've been wanting to pursue my ambitions. Grasp as many knowledge as I can.. Somewhat I'm enticed in taking RF, maybe not because I like the subject since I have not taken it before and I don't know, but is it because I am attracted with the salary? Why? I mean, is it wrong? I want to pursue two specialisations, one for 'what I think it would be beneficial for me and opens up possibilities for me' and one is 'to guarantee the salary'. Am I wrong?

Of course I've always been wrong. I realised I'm so sinful and depraved.. Oh the Paul Washer sermon really struck me.. 

Yesterday was somewhat a 'busy-myself' day with the projects and it was between good friday and easter, which is a very bad timing to be busy as it is between good friday and easter. I should spend more time reflecting.. and I guess so far I've been caught up much in my own busy things while I don't even have the time to think about my Christianity. And I guess it was all not that unintentional! I am planning my busy-ness! I took my modules and say yes to all the appointments! Maybe I should rethink again..

Few commitments this easter:

- Honor the Sabbath, have a reflection time with God

- Plan my time well.. say no to unfeasible appointments and activities

- Start worrying about my Christianity, not just be a Christian and just swept out by routines

 

The love of God says.. "Even though you are my enemy, even though you can do nothing but hurt me everytime, even though you have no chance to understand my love even till eternity, I still love you.." Oh it must be greater, but words are so limited..

Oh yes, Christians must have this kind of agape love. Actually it's kinda amazing.. It is also the kind of love which Hosea showed to Gomer.. It's kind of selfless, and beautiful if we strive to have that kind of love. Oh I wish someday I can have (not that I really wish) a wife that cheats, but I can forgive her and still loved her.. If it so happens that she repents and comes back, I would then hug and cry with her.. Of couse it's kinda absurd to wish for such a thing, and I think it's kinda a dilemma, you don't want to be hurt, you dont want to be betrayed, but the greater the betrayal, it will be more beautiful if you can forgive.. I think a husband/wife would feel very joyful if he/she is forgiven after a betrayal.. Oh yes.. when sin is abound, grace is abound too.. But of course this wish is a dilemma, because you know that a person can take forgiveness to be very cheap.. In such a case, forgiveness will never result in any joy to the person.. Actually this might be the same as the 'Christian' scenario, of God and men..  

I think I seldom examine my own Christianity with based to Scripture. Let alone examine! I might perform Bible reading, I might go to church and listen to sermons, I get familiar with doctrines, I might go to seminars etc, but forget all that! The thing is I dunno what the Bible is about! Most of the books, I still dunno what they are about! What commandments is inside, what are the lessons learnt.. oh well I think I should start my own journey. Is it the case that I think myself as an 'okay Christian' since I go to church, fellowships, that I have an excuse not to study the Scripture myself? My Bible reading does not produce anything.. I read and forget, perhaps I am influenced a little, emotionally feel more secured, or I might even feel self-righteous after that.. But still, the thing is, I still dunno what the Scripture is about! Maybe I should read and summarize.. I start with John 1-3.

According to Paul Washer, John 1 is the book to read when you want to test yourself whether or not you are a true believer. It contains a series of tests. But here I include tests as well as commands from John 1-3.

Summary:

Tests:

1 John 1:6 : If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.

1 John 1:8 : If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

1 John 1:10 : If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

1 John 2:3-4 : We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him.

1 John 2:6 : Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

1 John 2:9 : Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness.

1 John 3:6 : No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen or known him.

1 John 3:9 : No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.

1 John 5:2 : This is how we know that we love the children of God. By loving God and carrying out his commands.

2 John 1:9a : Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God.

Commands:

1 John 2:15-16 : Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world.

1 John 3:16 : This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

1 John 3:18 : Dear children, let us not live with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

1 John 3:23 : And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.

1 John 4:1 : Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see wheter they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.

1 John 4:7a : Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comse from God.  

1 John 5:21 : Dear children, keep yourselves from idols.

3 John 1:11a : Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good.

Life can sometimes feel like a real heavy burden.. full of boredom.. stress.. anxiety.. insecurity.. uncertainty.. or it might even seem to be empty. I know, we should be thankful about everything, that it is merely by the grace of God that we have lived and obtained all blessings. Why am I not thankful? Oh..I wish that I could be thankful, but why is it that now I'm feeling tired? exhausted? My not-so-far life seems that it would be very rigid, dictated and so predictable. Oh well.. it's all about doing projects, study, etc. These few weeks seem to be so monotonous. I woke up early, have a brief quiet time, go to school, attend lectures, tutorials, some project meetings, went home worn out, turn on my laptop, chat and watch youtube, and sleep. It's all so monotonous. I feel bored.. I wonder if within the next one year my life will be like this.. But why don't I feel bored last semester? I mean, isn't my life consisted of the same monotonous things back then? And yes, it's so predictable, after I graduated, I have to finish my 3 years bond. I don't know if it will be monotonous too. I will get up early in the morning, go to work, went home late, worn out, and sleep. That's all for 3 years.

Oh well.. I think I might need to go for some recreation or something. But no, I mean, that wouldn't solve the problem, would it? My problem is that maybe I'm too easy to get bored. My problem is that I am not thankful. I am always complaining. You see.. in the near future several of my best friends are graduating. My next semester would probably be very boring. Of course this does not mean that being with my friends would solve the problem, maybe it will just cover my eyes such that I am not aware that I am actually having a problem! My next one year, would it be just consist of 'studying very hard'? Hmm.. anyway next year I would no longer have to carry the burden as the leader in ISCF, though I will still help out as much as I could!

Yeah.. I feel..certainly life without a purpose is so dictated and meaningless.. Now I'm still clueless and I don't really know how to put my foot forward. I'm still thinking about God's calling. Maybe I should not worry too much (as I have always worried) about my secondary calling, but I should worry about my primary calling instead. The secondary calling is about where God wants us to be, which path God wants us to take, and it is not so important. The most important thing is that we shall strive to be Christlike, and grow in character.

Now, if purposeless life is meaningless, then we simply have to find the purpose to make it meaningful! But to find that purpose, it is not that easy. First, it requires a great bunch of faith. Secondly, I realised that the heart is really wicked and deceitful. I don't really know if I'm biased in seeing things. And I know there must be some mixture of biasness involved though.

Oh well.. anyway I just watched the Pilgrim's Progress Animation from youtube, it's 8 episode, around 10 mins each. It's really great. It depicts how life as a Christian is. It is full of burden, traps, boredom perhaps, loneliness, and some dangerous paths. I think this is the realistic picture of life.. It's rather bleak, not that idealistic and carefree as once I thought it was, but accept it or not that's reality. Finally, I will continue my own journey.. and I hope that God's eternal hand will guide me through the rest of it.. be it in the high mountains or even the darkest valleys.. All in all, I am really thankful..